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| Is it possible to say "I love you" to someone you don't really know? |
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Thank you, J.K. Riki, for inspiring this topic!
Some people are quick to say "I love you" to someone they don't personally know very well. They may know some things about the person. They may have certain things in common. They may like the things that person says or does. But can they really say they know the person, and would this justify one's "love" for them?
For the record, this topic has nothing to do with romance (though it can be applied to any kind of relationship). But perhaps a good start would be to define what love really is.
Or, in this case, starting with what love isn't. Here are some common things people often confuse for love but are not actually synonymous:
Some people are quick to say "I love you" to someone they don't personally know very well. They may know some things about the person. They may have certain things in common. They may like the things that person says or does. But can they really say they know the person, and would this justify one's "love" for them?
For the record, this topic has nothing to do with romance (though it can be applied to any kind of relationship). But perhaps a good start would be to define what love really is.
Or, in this case, starting with what love isn't. Here are some common things people often confuse for love but are not actually synonymous:
Love is not...
What this sample list has in common is that such misconceptions about love are all conditions based on what is received or felt.
But contrary to popular belief, love isn't mere feelings. God's love demonstrates something contrary to this idea, consistent with the teachings of Christ, who showed love through His selfless actions; that's because the one who loves is not the receiver but actually the giver.
Love is not born out of what is received but rather what is given. In other words, the person who loves is the one giving. That means a person who claims to love must be able to back up their claim with their actions.
In the English language, especially in America, the word love often gets thrown around to the point where it seems to lose meaning or significance; everything from one's "love" for food to the "love" one "feels" for a cute kitten they never personally met. Often, when people say that they "love" someone or something, they actually mean something else entirely; especially when taking into consideration the timing and conditions of such words and whether or not their words really match their actions.
For this reason, it's rather difficult for me to believe most people who say "I love you", especially considering the short amount of time someone has gotten to know me at all; often such "love" someone supposedly has for me is actually conditional and based on my performance rather than a genuine desire to care and support and understand me as a person (not out of obligation or what they expect me to be).
I do, however, believe and know for a fact that God does love, without a doubt; He knows every person even better than we know ourselves, and what He's done, does, and will do for all of humanity backs this up perfectly. Not because of obligation or anything we've done, but because of His grace. "For God so loved the world that He gave us His Only Begotten Son..." (John 3:16). Because of who He is, I believe His "I love you" no matter what I may go through.
And what did God/Christ say about loving Him? "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15). And the two greatest commandments? Love God with all your being, and love your neighbor as yourself. In context, His words are not a matter of putting a condition on love; rather, He's teaching us to demonstrate love through our actions. "By this they will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).
In a sense, this is how we can love even a stranger; through our actions, not our feelings.
Love is an act of selflessness. It's always something that is given and must be done out of genuine heartfelt choice, not out of obligation or reluctance or purely selfish motives. You can very well say that love is not a feeling but rather an attitude backed by action.
Our actions speak louder than words, and especially true when it comes to love. As humans, we can always learn to love better, both you and me.
- infatuation, or "crushing",
- sexual attraction,
- admiration,
- attachment,
- a good first impression,
- flirting,
- lust or desire for more,
- sex,
- being a fan,
- based on talent,
- based on performance,
- based on popularity,
- based on one's material wealth,
- the degree in which one enjoys something (or a step above "like"),
- accepting wrongdoing or compromising morals,
- agreeing with every single thing,
- conditional (limited by one's approval).
What this sample list has in common is that such misconceptions about love are all conditions based on what is received or felt.
But contrary to popular belief, love isn't mere feelings. God's love demonstrates something contrary to this idea, consistent with the teachings of Christ, who showed love through His selfless actions; that's because the one who loves is not the receiver but actually the giver.
Love is not born out of what is received but rather what is given. In other words, the person who loves is the one giving. That means a person who claims to love must be able to back up their claim with their actions.
In the English language, especially in America, the word love often gets thrown around to the point where it seems to lose meaning or significance; everything from one's "love" for food to the "love" one "feels" for a cute kitten they never personally met. Often, when people say that they "love" someone or something, they actually mean something else entirely; especially when taking into consideration the timing and conditions of such words and whether or not their words really match their actions.
For this reason, it's rather difficult for me to believe most people who say "I love you", especially considering the short amount of time someone has gotten to know me at all; often such "love" someone supposedly has for me is actually conditional and based on my performance rather than a genuine desire to care and support and understand me as a person (not out of obligation or what they expect me to be).
I do, however, believe and know for a fact that God does love, without a doubt; He knows every person even better than we know ourselves, and what He's done, does, and will do for all of humanity backs this up perfectly. Not because of obligation or anything we've done, but because of His grace. "For God so loved the world that He gave us His Only Begotten Son..." (John 3:16). Because of who He is, I believe His "I love you" no matter what I may go through.
And what did God/Christ say about loving Him? "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15). And the two greatest commandments? Love God with all your being, and love your neighbor as yourself. In context, His words are not a matter of putting a condition on love; rather, He's teaching us to demonstrate love through our actions. "By this they will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).
In a sense, this is how we can love even a stranger; through our actions, not our feelings.
Love is an act of selflessness. It's always something that is given and must be done out of genuine heartfelt choice, not out of obligation or reluctance or purely selfish motives. You can very well say that love is not a feeling but rather an attitude backed by action.
Our actions speak louder than words, and especially true when it comes to love. As humans, we can always learn to love better, both you and me.
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Curious Questions to Consider:
Does it make sense to say "I love you" to someone you don't know very well? Is it believable? Is it really possible?
How do you feel when someone who doesn't know you well enough tells you, "I love you"? Does it feel awkward?
What are some other things often confused for love?
Do you think the word "love" has lost its significance from its misuse/overuse in our culture?
Do you believe that God loves you? How do you know this?
How do you love others? What are some things that you do to show your love to others?
What are some ways that we can learn to love each other better?
Does it make sense to say "I love you" to someone you don't know very well? Is it believable? Is it really possible?
How do you feel when someone who doesn't know you well enough tells you, "I love you"? Does it feel awkward?
What are some other things often confused for love?
Do you think the word "love" has lost its significance from its misuse/overuse in our culture?
Do you believe that God loves you? How do you know this?
How do you love others? What are some things that you do to show your love to others?
What are some ways that we can learn to love each other better?
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Leave your thoughts in the comment section below. Feel free to share your own stories, experiences and insight in relation to the topic.
Be sure to be respectful and considerate of your word choice in regards to whatever details you choose to share. We're not here to gossip or backstab. Refrain from using specific names. Do not use this topic as an excuse to bash on those who may agree or disagree on certain views regarding "love". No flame wars. Please keep it clean and civil.
God bless and thanks for sharing!
Be sure to be respectful and considerate of your word choice in regards to whatever details you choose to share. We're not here to gossip or backstab. Refrain from using specific names. Do not use this topic as an excuse to bash on those who may agree or disagree on certain views regarding "love". No flame wars. Please keep it clean and civil.
God bless and thanks for sharing!
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Author's Notes:
Credit goes to J.K. Riki for inspiring me to write about this topic; the idea came after reading an interesting comment to a poll question I temporarily posted on Twitter.
Cover image courtesy of Bessi.
(Written on May 19, 2019.)
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Love is such a nuanced word, as you pointed out. I believe we can agape love those we do not know or know well. Emotional love, romantic love, even brotherly requires knowing someone on a deeper level. Our failure as humans places conditions on most forms of love and are quick to withdraw our love when even unspoken expectations are not met. So, I say all that to say this, yes, we can love as God commanded without actually knowing someone.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, and for reading! Well said and good points made. And I agree.
DeleteAlso reminded me of The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis (a book that I'd like to check out at some point).
This is an interesting topic, Fleecy.
ReplyDeleteLet me start with the definition closer to Bible
Love: birth, sustenance (celebration & exaltation) and propagation of life ('life' in greek: Zo and is different from biological life; but closer to 'conciousness' )
1. Based on this definition God loves us because He created us, he sustains us and promises eternal life (Zoe).
2. If two human beings are committed to create life in their relationship, sustain it, celebrate it, exalt it and propagate it, then it is love.
3. If we say to a other that we love him/her then we are committing ourselves to
a. creating an environment which encourages the person to live.
b. helping in sustaining the person's life by celebrating and exalting his/her life
c. bringing more life (babies) together. 😃
4. If any person is committed to this definition then, love can be described as genuine.
5. In India it is common that you do not get to spend much time with your prospective spouse but you are committed to this definition unconsciously, therefore marriages work.
6. My parents got married in a traditional and acceptable way of the their time. This meant they met for the first time on the day of wedding. They are committed to this principle of love unconsciously, therefore God has kept their marriage even though they are not Christians.
7. It is increasingly difficult to commit to the principle of love (mentioned at tweet 1n) in these times because of differences in the commitment levels to such a definition.
8. Is it still plausible: Yes
9. Is it practically possible: difficult
10. Is it impossible: No
Thank you
Thanks for reading and for your comment! Also very interesting and insightful to learn of perspectives from other cultures as well.
DeleteI do believe the term "love" is overused/misused. I am careful to say "love you with the love of Christ" to someone not in my family, to avoid any confusion, ambiguity, or suspicions about intent. Especially with members of the opposite sex. That said, I do believe I am called to love everyone, just as Christ loved me first. This is love foreign to the world, for it is God-given and supernatural. It is the love of God poured out through a humble but unworthy vessel. That He allows me to be a part of it, is incredible.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment and for reading! Very thoughtful and considerable approach. And I agree; God's love is something foreign to the world yet indescribably supernatural. Well said. Such love is indeed possible through our amazing Lord, and a great honor to be a part of.
DeleteI don't know what my comment was that inspired it, but I'm honored to be part of your efforts for this CQQ! :) Nice post. I'll try to tackle my own thoughts on the questions you posed, too.
ReplyDelete-Does it make sense to say "I love you" to someone you don't know very well? Is it believable? Is it really possible?
Since we so often associate "I love you" (at least in Western Culture) with a more romantic style of love, it probably doesn't make sense to put it that way to someone you barely know. You could, of course, add an explanation like "I love you because God loves you and you are created in his image" and then (depending on the understanding of the person) it would make more sense. I definitely think it is possible to love a stranger. At age 30 I had an experience that proved this to me. There was a man I did not know and never saw again, and in the presence of God and the overwhelming goodness I loved him as I did not know love before. Because I saw him through God's eyes rather than merely my own.
-How do you feel when someone who doesn't know you well enough tells you, "I love you"? Does it feel awkward?
It feels great to be loved! There was a time in my younger days when it would definitely have been awkward, but now I am thrilled to hear it. And maybe it still is a little awkward sometimes, but the joy it brings overwhelms that lesser sensation.
-What are some other things often confused for love?
I think you covered most, but one I would add is "anger." Which sounds weird, but I think in the modern age it's true. I watch many people fighting, utterly fueled with rage, and they say "I'm doing this because you're hurting other people." They care about the other people, but then they confuse that love with hatred and fury for someone else. Rather than loving those individuals, they battle others and claim it is love.
-Do you think the word "love" has lost its significance from its misuse/overuse in our culture?
I think the word love is poor in general, particularly in the English language. That we have one word for love, be it friendship or romance or parental etc., is really dumb. English falls way short in that regard, in my view. I don't think overuse helps any, but even if it was used less frequently the limited options in English to express all the sorts of love there are is poor.
-Do you believe that God loves you? How do you know this?
While belief and knowledge are two different things, yes I know God loves me and I know it because he showed me directly. Nothing like it. Best experience of my life.
-How do you love others? What are some things that you do to show your love to others?
I try to listen, that's a big one. I try to tell them, though that can be hard given our culture.
-What are some ways that we can learn to love each other better?
Know ourselves, know God, and know how God sees us and others. All these are vital components I think. If we do not know ourselves we can think God loves us because we are good, rather than in spite of our badness. If we do not know God we can never truly know the fullest love possible even though we probably think (wrongly) we do. If we do not know how God sees us and others, we can never fall head over heels in the way real love requires. Not head over heals in romance, but head over heels in glorious and never ending love.
I think true love comes from the Holy Spirit within us. And also - love is God Himself. So yes we can and should love even perfect strangers because they are our brothers and sisters in Christ.
ReplyDelete